Climbing Mountains, Running Through Fields, Scaling City Walls... Only to be with You
Rebuilding after Deconstruction
Where is Jesus?
Why do I feel like my life is crumbling??
Why are the things that I once believed to be true not proving themselves to be true when life happens???
I’ve read my bible for an hour a day. I’ve prayed for an hour a day…
I’ve prayed until…..
I’ve done all I know to do and I cannot seem to find Jesus anywhere…
The community that claimed to be healers did more harm than good…
Where do I go from here?
Over the past 4 years these are all questions that I have heard asked over coffee, difficult phone calls, after someone we love has passed, when a church leader hurts us.. I could go on.
The evangelical pentecostal church culture I came up in and the one I stayed in for as long as I could is built on the cliches of man or woman of great faith, speaking to mountains, praying until, reading x number of chapters a day, answer every altar call, speaking in tongues for as long as possible, honoring authority (even when they tell you to do something dumb), all of this stuff…
Some of that stuff has your central nervous system working already and I have not even gotten to the meat of what I want to say…
Several years ago, I had the greatest crisis of faith in my adult life. I had a close friend call me and tell me “Cole you are a square peg trying to fit into a round hole, and if you force this, you will lose parts of yourself that the world needs.”
I knew this was true, but I did not know what to do. The Lord has an incredible sense of humor. I thought I was running away from my calling to be in the wilderness with God.. by reorienting some things in that season of life, that's what it felt like, but he had Canaan waiting on me all along. This process was a gut wrenching thing for me. But the Lord had me on a journey that I was just really unsure about.. I preached all I had to preach, prayed all I could pray, loved as deep as I knew how.. still.. There was something on the inside of me that longed for something..
I knew I needed to exit the system I was in.. but I did not know what it would mean when God wanted to purge the residue of this system out of me…
I listened to a song around that time, U2's "I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.”
"I have climbed the highest mountains, I have run through the fields... only to be with you."
I later read this whole analogy that Brian Zahnd used in his book “Water to Wine” with this song that stuck with me and I want to share some ideas about deconstruction with you today..
Lately I have come back to this song, as we see systems failing almost daily, leaders falling, or we peek behind the curtain of the show.. to see that what is back there is nothing we want a part of.
But we don't know where to go. We do not know what to do. We do not know if what we believed our whole lives, or for part of it, is just a lie..
At times we are full of doubt, unbelief, anger, and the raging fire within that we once had that burned for Jesus has now turned to coals that are hardly glowing, we smell the smoke, but see no fire. We are walking but it is dusty from the ashes of our faith.
We have given up our lives for this. What now?
I want to encourage you today.. Nothing is wasted. God saw EVERYTHING and is somehow using it all for good.
If this substack is to serve any purpose and if I am writing to anyone.. I want to steal a line from a book my friend posted today written by Tara-Leigh Cobble. But I want to tweak it a bit
“This book is dedicated to every person who has tried and failed countless times to follow Jesus, who has almost given up on understanding God and His Word, and who is here, trying one more time-with equal parts hope, fear, and skepticism—to draw near to the God of the universe. May you come to know and love Him more and to understand that despite all your failures, He has never given up on pursuing you with love to this very moment.”
That’s how I feel about this article..
In short – God is not done with you, to reframe what U2 said.. “You have climbed the highest mountains, you have run through the fields... only to be with Him."
God is with you, even now, walking through the doorway of your doubt, unbelief, anger, and fear.
I want to try to give language to some things that may be happening or have happened to you. Naming frames of mind that we are living in or things that have happened sometimes just helps us when we feel like we are going crazy.
Following Jesus is often portrayed as a steadfast journey full of mountain tops, full of victories, and never defeats. But for many, and even most, I would argue that it can feel more like a rollercoaster —marked by twists, turns, and moments of collapse. When everything that we have ever known to be true seems to fall apart, when all that was sturdy, cumbles..
I want to encourage you, it is not the end of the story but the beginning of a God taking the mourning and turning it into joy, taking your ashes and making something beautiful.
I want to be clear. This doesn't come easy. Below are some things you might experience along the way.
The Collapse of Certainty, Longing for Him, Picking up the Pieces, and Love in New Places…
The opening lyrics to the song I mentioned resonate deeply with anyone who has burned for God with passion, gave up everything to follow Jesus, and you have had a list of unanswered prayers, unmet expectations, and every prophetic word you can imagine you received has not come to pass..
Following Jesus often begins with an unshakable faith, a fire that you think will never go out or dim, and in most cases.. certainty. Here is the deal — life often can shake out faith, dampen our flame, and most certainly make us uncertain (see what I did there).
Betrayals from close leaders and friends, unanswered prayers, or personal failures can leave us feeling like we are spinning and we do not know when it is going to stop.
Let me be clear. Nothing is certain but God himself. No leader, no friend, no structure, no system, no organization, no systematic theology, no doctrine, no calling, no place.. Nothing is certain but God himself.
When things that we are sure of become the things that wound us the deepest.. I want to be as clear as I possibly can with this one.. it is important to acknowledge the loss, heartbreak, wounds, and confusion without rushing to patch up the brokenness.
Honesty about our doubts and unmet expectations are the first steps toward rebuilding when it seems like bombs have gone off and all that we had is now a wasteland..
Hear me clearly. Jesus is not afraid when we admit when we do not trust him because someone portrayed him poorly. Jesus is not afraid of us in crisis. Jesus is in the middle of it… and he is as patient with us as we need. After all, He is the God that makes streams in the wasteland…
When all that we were once standing on collapses, Jesus is always there to catch us, even when we do not see Him or want Him to be. He doesn't do abandonment. Even when we choose to abandon Him.
"I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For"...
That is the line…
We are often looking for and longing for something instead of someone. We are often looking for and longing for the wrong things to heal, dealiver, and sustain us.. David writes.. "As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God" (Psalm 42:1).
A system won't do it. A new idea won’t do it. A new practice won’t do it… not by itself anyway.
All “things” that we think have brought us healing in the places we so needed it, were just a means to an end. And that End was Jesus. God can and will use anything to get to you. Honor the avenues, but never worship them.
Know this, He is what you long for and you just might find Him in places that you were told you never would. I find him most often in the bread and the wine served weekly at my church, the confessional booth at an Anglican Church in town, in the virtual office of my therapist, in spiritual direction, and reading and praying the daily office…
God uses all these things to get to me. In my longing He has met me, over and over again. He has done it through the things I was told to be afraid of.. He has shown himself to me through the things that some may find off putting and think are religious.
I have met God reciting the lines of the Apostles’ creed in my office, in the back row of a catholic cathedral, at a coffee shop, on stage at a large conference, the point here…
God is looking for us and longing for us, as much as we do for Him.. Just know He is everywhere. Get to looking. And I might even challenge you to look in the places you were told He would not be…
Bishop Mike Owen says this “The best lights come from the outside”.
Maybe Jesus wants to show up for you in a way you do not expect. He did it for me.
One last thing…
Picking up the pieces that have remained and letting Jesus put them back together is not a linear process. It involves revisiting old beliefs, wrestling with new and tough questions, and finding new places to meet the Lord. In the song there is a line…
"I believe in the kingdom come, then all the colors will bleed into one"
Brian Zahnd says it like this “We need the whole body of Christ to properly form the body of Christ. This much I’m sure of: Orthodox mystery, Catholic beauty, Anglican liturgy, Protestant audacity, Evangelical energy, Charismatic reality — I need it all!”
Let God meet you through streams coming together. Love can be found in a new place and it often is. Open your heart to be loved by God outside of what you have always known. The road may look different, but it is the same Jesus standing at the end of it…Full of grace, mercy, and truth.
No expression of faith is perfect — to believe so is arrogant and pompous. It also creates unrealistic expectations. God is still using the WHOLE church to fulfill the mission of “reconciling the world to God”.
Surround yourself with a community that embraces questions rather than silences them… some of our questions could have answers that come through an avenue that we are not comfortable with.. And maybe we should learn to be comfortable with no answer at all for a while.. That’s okay, we maybe should learn to trust the spirit as much as we claim to… 😀
I will leave you with this…
Know that God is at work in you.. I know you may not see it…
Henri Nowen says it like this… “When we are crushed like grapes, we cannot think of the wine we will become.”
Let the Lord do the work of making you into an offering that is being poured out..
Terry Theise writes this:
“The only wines that actually speak to our whole lives are authentic wines. Confected wines are not designed for human beings; they are designed for ‘consumers.’ Which do you want to be?”
Doubt, confusion, pain, suffering, questions.. None of these things scare God.
These things are doorways that God wants to walk through. Be real. Be honest. Find a safe community. Let Him in, even if it might look different than what you are used to…
Doubt, confusion, pain, suffering, and questions are the grapes He crushes.. And He does it in a way that does not harm us.. and that turns into the wine that is healing for the world around us.
You are going to make it. There’s hope for you.
If this is you, message me if you want to talk, I have been where you have been. 🙂
Grace + Peace